Week CXVII (450): Blues It or Lose It


Ooooooh, I ain't got nuthin'
But that ol' steerin' wheeeeel
Ooooooh, I ain't got nuthin'
But that ol' steerin' wheeeeel
Oh, my Land Cruiser's dyin',
And my limited-edition 2002 Beemer with the custom leather interior and hand-tinted, gold-leaf-highlighted bodywork  
Ain't got the cachet I used to feeeeeeeel . . .

This Week's Contest was suggested by Bill Spencer of Exeter, N.H. Write the first verse of a blues song expressing some Washington area woe. First-prize winner gets a copy of "Nomo in America," the story of the spectacular rookie season of Dodgers pitcher Hideo Nomo, autographed by the author, sportswriter Larry Rocca. The book is in Japanese.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, April 29. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass.

Report from Week CXIII (441), in which we asked you to write a rhyming poem about some ongoing news event.

[diam]Second Runner-Up:

John Ashcroft felt uneasy, when speaking to the press,
Beneath "Spirit of Justice" with her bronze protruding breast.
He found a simple remedy to deal with his distress,
Eight thousand dollars' worth of drapes, installed at his behest.
The man, he had a problem, and this solved it fine, I guess.
But why not move John Ashcroft's butt a few feet to the west?

(Donald H. Heitman, Arlington)

[diam]First Runner-Up:

About the Glendenings, here's a short quip
Concerning their perfectly proper courtship.
Oh, wait. Do the math. I guess there was not one:
The nuptials, it's clear, were hastened by shotgun.

(John Bauer, Gaithersburg)

[diam]And the winner of the mariachi band made from taxidermized frogs:

Mei Xiang, I am so very sorry
My advances to you were too crude.
Though your well-rounded haunches still thrill me
I will try now to act more subdued.

Could we possibly catch us a movie?
And you'll be my sweet, sweet bamboo.
Please forgive me, my dear One and Only --
Or I'll have to go courting a gnu.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

[diam]Honorable Mentions:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Peace is coming to the Middle East
And this poem rhymes.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Johnny A of DOJ
Abhors a naked breast,
And recently he chanced to see
A marble one undressed.

Now thanks to John, the breast is gone,
He draped that unclothed part.
But slam the door, he's headed for
The gallery of art.

(Nancy Cahill, Woodbridge)

If the Expos move this city's way, the team's name can basically stay.
I'm sure you'll agree -- just add an "e."
Voilà! The Washington Exposé. (Grady Norris, New Bern, N.C.)

So much of our forest primeval
Falls like cotton to the boll weevil.
Though some may blame lumber
For felling their number,
Bush claims it's the Axes of Evil.

(Edith F. Grant, Bethesda)

Once upon a March of madness came the news of lack of grad-ness
From the team that loves to rebound, run the court and shoot and score.
Maryland, that team of turtles, trips o'er academic hurdles,
Thinking books and labs and lectures aren't what the U is for.
"Ours is not to cram for finals, just to make the Final Four:
Only this, and nothing more.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Many a case is dropped by even lawyers most intrepid, since
Although suspicion's strong, there's sometimes not a shred of evidence.
The Enron scandal may become the first that's ever dropped because . . .
There was.

(David Smith, El Cerrito, Calif.)

The busier the better, network management did say,
Let's fill the screen with data so our fans won't go away.
All at once you'll see the weather, stocks and news tidbits galore,
Naked readers, more Geraldo, sports and snippets of the war.
This craft is just a business -- if the viewer still just shrugs,
"Fear Factor" in the newsroom, with the anchors eating bugs.

(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls)

You often hear cynics so loudly complaining
That police just eat doughnuts on the taxpayer's buck.
But they got to use all this specialized training
Chasing the thief of a Krispy Kreme truck.

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)